Stop self-rejecting + start building

Hello everyone,

This one cuts a little deeper. It's about self-editing. And self-rejection.

I think most of us suffer from it.

"I could never do that." "I could never say that." "I could never start that." "I could never ask that."

I hear it all the time. Usually in response to things I'm doing - which, if you keep reading, you'll find deeply ironic.

When I left my job to build @Meet-Ting, my co-workers couldn't imagine leaving a safe salary.

When Ting launched and I started speaking about it online, so many people got in touch out of the blue: "I've had an idea for years, I just never pursued it."

And because I run a lot, and over-post about it (!), people reply to my Stories saying they wish they could get up early or run 5k.

My answer is usually the same.

Yes, you can.

I'd be totally lacking in self-awareness if I didn't say this: luck and privilege play a role. I'm healthy, so I can run. I managed to stay on the right side of school so I got an education. I've had opportunities.

But outside of that, a lot of it is more basic. It's just doing. Or asking.

Simplicity doesn't make it easy. Because I suffer, a lot, too.

Every time I pitch, present, interview, or walk into a room full of people outside my circle, I feel uncomfortable. I take rejection personally. Before big calls, I completely forget why I'm any good at what I do. All the evidence disappears. Self-doubt arrives. My throat tightens. Imposter syndrome pulls up.

To put that in perspective I was selected for a year long exec leadership course at HBS, worked for some of the biggest companies in the world, and managed to build from zero to one with Ting - raise capital, generate revenue etc. - so on the surface you'd think I'd be calm by now...

And still, five seconds before an important call, I'm deep breathing. Trying to get my heart rate under control. Trying to stop my brain from convincing me I'm about to be executed.

So no, this isn't a piece from someone who has transcended fear.

Which is why I feel pretty confident saying this: even if not everyone experiences the anxiety side of it, almost everyone self-edits. Almost everyone self-rejects.

But, why?

Being too cool

I think one of the biggest blockers is our ego. Not ego in the arrogant sense. The ego that's terrified of looking silly.

We want to seem like we've got it figured out. Like we don't need help. Like we definitely aren't lost. Like we definitely aren't trying.

We can't imagine going up to someone successful and asking for advice. Or help. Or time.

Which is mad, really!

We are often one DM, one conversation, one interaction away from wisdom, opportunity, insight, a shortcut, a relationship, a new direction.

And our own fear of looking needy or uncool blocks it.

That's such a high price to pay for pride.

In this video, Kevin Hart talks about that exact moment for him - almost self-editing just before chatting with Jeff Bezos: https://youtu.be/4yo4Qia9Y0Y

Asking for help

Let's say we get past the ego part. Then comes the next mental hurdle: actually asking.

A lot of people don't. Not because they're arrogant. Sometimes they don't even think it's possible. They assume they need to figure it all out alone.

Obviously, endlessly sending vague messages asking strangers to "pick your brain" is not a winning strategy.

But a thoughtful message? One that explains why you're reaching out, why them specifically, and what you're hoping to learn?

That can go a very long way.

People are often kinder than we expect. More open than we expect.

You just have to get over that self-edit reflex.

At 12 years old, Steve Jobs got his first job on the supply line for HP by making one phone call: https://youtu.be/zkTf0LmDqKI

Actual rejection

Even once you get beyond self-rejection, there's always the possibility of real rejection. Someone says no. Or says nothing.

Over the last several months of pitching my own startup, I've learned the hard way that not everyone is going to instantly fall in love with your idea. Can you imagine?

I've probably spoken to close to 100 VCs by now. Not always in full pitch mode, but at least talking about the vision, the market, the product, the future.

Sometimes you get instant feedback. Sometimes you get silence. The ghosting is particularly devastating, at least for me.

It interrupts sleep. I replay meetings in my head at night, editing my own answers after the fact, imagining better versions of myself, better versions of the conversation.

It's not fun. But you do learn. And build resilience.

Every no gets you closer to a yes. Every awkward meeting or blank stare gives you signal for improving.

I don’t know how

And now we get to what used to be one of the biggest blockers of all: not knowing how.

If you can get out of your own head, ask for help when you need it, and sketch even the roughest outline of a plan, we are now living in an age where almost anyone can turn an idea into something with AI.

There are fewer technical limits than ever. You can build apps, brands, products, prototypes, websites, workflows - from a sentence.

That feels crazy to write - build tech, with just words.

That doesn't mean every idea becomes a business. But if you haven't tried recently, try.

In minutes you can have something at your fingertips. Try @Lovable or @Claude by Anthropic.

That's what I did with Ting and what I continue to do each day to solve my own problems.

Remember how I said I get anxiety before podcasts, pitches, and presentations? I used to go on walks or runs and talk through things out loud with ChatGPT voice mode. It helped, but it kept interrupting me, which drove me slightly insane (!).

So one Saturday morning, early, I built something for myself. A simple app to practise pitching out loud. I hooked it up to @ElevenLabs. Made it quickly. Made it because I needed it: https://pitching-perfectly.lovable.app

You can go from "this annoys me" to "I made a thing" in an hour. It's an amazing time for hidden potential and creativity.

Final thoughts

We are rejecting ourselves before anyone else can. We are acting too cool to ask. Too careful to try. Too proud to look silly. Too afraid to be seen wanting something.

And I get it. More than most.

But shake that inner voice, forget it - it's just limiting you...

Thanks for reading, Dan